Nakakatawang Kwento

•February 12, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Minsan may isang taong gustong magkawanggawa kaya naisipan niyang magdonate ng dugo. Unang beses lang n’yang magdonate ng dugo kaya’t pinaghandaan niya ito ng mabuti. Nagpataba siya, natulog ng maaga, hindi uminom at umiwas sa drugs. Nagsakripisyo siya hanggang sa handa na siyang mag-donate ng dugo.

Maaga siyang gumising, malayo ang biyahe, para na siyang nagbisikleta papuntang Alabang galing sa UP. Pagdating sa lugar kung saan nagdodonate ng dugo, excited na excited siya.

Itinusok na ang karayom at lumabas na ang kanyang dugo. Ngunit balde balde na yung lumalabas, hindi pa rin tumitigil ang kumukuha ng dugo. Tinanggal niya ang karayom ngunit kumuha ang mga tao ng mga straw at inistraw ang kanyang dugo pati ang kahuli-hulihang patak sa kanyang hinliliit kinuha nila.

Pagkatapos, kung kailan halos wala na siyang dugo, iniwan na siya ng mga ito. Hindi man lang siya binigyan ng juice at biscuit. Hindi man lang siya tinanong kung paano siya uuwi.

Halos maiyak ang pobreng nagdonate ng dugo habang gumagapang siya pauwi. Minsan na nga lang siya gumawa ng mabuti, ganito pa napala niya. Pakiramdam niya ay tinatawanan siya ng mga kumuha ng kanyang dugo, dahil hindi ito mapupunta sa mga may hemophilia o leukemia, nanakawin lang ito ng isang grupo ng bampira at gagawing tsibog.

Gumapang ang pobre pauwi sa kanyang bahay at pagdating niya dun pinagalitan siya dahil nagoyo siya sa pagdodonate ng dugo. Dahil sa kanyang sinapit nagpalakas siya ulit ng katawan, nagpagaling, nagpadami ng dugo.

Bumalik siya sa lugar kung saan inistraw halos lahat ng kanyang dugo. Akala ng mga tao dun magbibigay siya ulit ng dugo, hinanda na nila ang kanilang mga straw.

Pero mali sila, binato niya ng bomba ang buong lugar, pinanood niya itong sumabog. Ngunit kasabay ng pagkatupok ng mga straw, nawala na rin ang tiwala niya sa mundo, hindi na siya magpapaabuso kahit kailan, hindi na siya magdodonate ng dugo.


Blind Date

•February 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens’ legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

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50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.


“Life Together”

•February 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer’s office.
Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.

Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story….
This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.

They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there’s nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce….

Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldnt understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..

While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband..
“I really love u, but i really cant carry on anymore, I’m sorry..”
“Its o.k, i understand..” said the husband. Lookin at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them,wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends..

At the dining table, there was a silence of awkardness.
The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady..”take this, its your favourite..”

Looking at this, the lawyer thought maybe theres still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer..”
This is always the problem, you always think so highly of yourself, never thought about how I feel, dont you know that i hate drumsticks?”

Little did she know that, over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her, little did she know that drumsticks was the husband’s favourite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all, little did he know that she hates drummsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.

That night, both of them couldnt sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn…after hours, the old man couldnt take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he cant carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her “i love you”…

He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number….ringing never stops..he never stop dialing….

On the other side, she was sad, she couldn’t understand how come after all these years, he still doesnt understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore….phone’s ringing, she refuses to answer knowing that its him…”whats the point of talking now that its over…i have ask for it and now i wanna keep it this way, if not i will lose face..”she thought…still ringing…she have decided to pull out the cord…

Little did she remember, he have heart problems…

The next day, she received news that he had passed away…she rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone…he had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line….

As sad as she could be…she will have to clear his belongings…when she was looking thru the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, with the beneficiary being her… And together in those file, there was this note…